I think it’s about time I wrote this. It’s a good time too, the beginning of a new year, which for me, always consists of a lot of reflecting.
I’ve been wondering about something for months now, and I think I’m finally able to understand what’s been going on.
For about four months, I’ve felt extremely high levels of all sorts of emotions. Overall, I’ve been very happy, but my heart has felt like it’s literally flooding with emotion. Constantly for months now, I’ll see the smallest kind interaction between two strangers and won’t be able to get it out of my head for hours. I’ll see something slightly negative and feel heartbroken and in tears. I’ll think about something beautiful about this world, about human interaction most specifically, and I’ll be a joyful, blubbery wreck. I can tell you this, I’ve never cried so many happy tears in my life.
I’ll be completely honest, every single month for the past 4, I’ve wondered if I was secretly pregnant or something, that’s how strange my emotions felt (but nay :p ). The second thought I’d been having the past few months was a rather morbid one, perhaps it’s my time to go, perhaps my end is near and this is what that feels like, maybe your body just knows. Thankfully, as far as I know, that’s not happening! I have constantly felt like all I want to do is express my love for the world or my concern for the world or my gratitude for beautiful human beings or my anger and pain towards human beings who intentionally cause suffering. But the biggest theme in the past few months is that I’ve felt an intense connection to the world around me. I’ve felt like I genuinely understand what it means to live, to be alive in this world. I’m sorry if that sounds cheesy and over the top, but perhaps it’s because you haven’t felt what I have, because nothing can explain it better than that.
So, after giving it a lot of thought for months now, I’m pretty sure this is the reason.
I probably sound a little bit insane and over the top for someone who’s just happy. Perhaps. But I’m pretty sure this is the reason that happiness is flooding my heart.
If you’ve kept up with my posts in the past few years, you’d know that my husband has been dealing with serious, crippling mental health issues. We’re best friends so I’ve been by his side this whole time, and we’ve been working through things together. So when his life felt like it fell apart, mine was extremely shaky too. We’re tied together, and when one of us is suffering the other is a part of that. And while I didn’t deal with issues myself thankfully, our lives suffered greatly for the past few years because of these issues, and we became extremely focused on dealing with helping him fix his life and work on his mental health issues. But thanks to a ton of positivity, strong love, & most importantly his insane strength and unwillingness to give up, & his courage to seek help, after 2015 & 2016 being quite awful years for us, in 2017 things got better. I cried when I saw him tweet that 2017 was a wonderful year for him, you don’t know how happy it made me to hear him genuinely say that. So we can finally both say we’ve actually had a good year. And honestly towards the end of the year, things started becoming great. We’re both moving into 2018 hand in hand with bright eyes and high, high hopes. And I am so unbelievably grateful that I’m crying again as I write this.
But I think that after all we’ve been through in these past few years (including some other stuff I haven’t mentioned), now that we’ve come out into the light, things look very different. I feel so much more compassion and connection to life and to others. When I think about anything someone might be going through, I want to give them as much support and love as I can. I want to hug them and promise them it’s going to be okay. When I see something beautiful I feel so grateful that I can appreciate it so fully, even if it’s some silly random act of kindness. And I really do just cry all the time!
I’m having a hard time expressing myself today. It’s hard to put into words the way I feel, but I really hope this is getting across.
It’s almost like I feel a renewed sense of connection with the world that I’ve never had before. I feel like I’m extremely privileged to feel this way. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think it’s common to feel this connected & to feel this human. I’m so much more focused these days than I’ve ever been on spreading love and support and kindness. I just feel such a strong desire to show everyone I meet that I see them. That I acknowledge them. That I support them.
I’ll also be honest, it’s really scary to feel this way. And my heart hurts all the time. But I know it’s a beautiful and extremely lucky thing that I’m experiencing, and I genuinely hope I can hold onto it for the rest of my life.
I want to end this by saying how grateful I am. I’m so grateful that I’m here, experiencing this life & living in such a fortunate situation. I’m so grateful that my amazing husband is doing better and can say that he’s actually happy. I’m grateful that I have him and that no matter what we’ve been through, we’re still head over heels in love and completely obsessed with each other. I’m grateful I’ve started streaming on Twitch and met so many wonderful people, and that so quickly I’ve found something so fulfilling that I want to pursue it with everything I have.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart especially, to everyone who has supported us these past few years.
I wish all of you the best for 2018.
I love you.